Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize