I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
