watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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