It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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