You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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