My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i think i have two assholes
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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