my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
