I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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