Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
