The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
