Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
