Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
