i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
