Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
