I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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