The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
