yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
