Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
