I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
