I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
