don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Randomize
