We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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