So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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