If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize