At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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