Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
