I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
