i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize