dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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