If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
