dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Pants are for mortals
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
