2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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