Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
