On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
