Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
