remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
