: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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