Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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