if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
