shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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