I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
