tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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