You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
