i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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