i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
