i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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