i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
