I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
