i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
