She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
