Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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