Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize