Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
