we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
