i used baking grease as lip gloss
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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