I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
