Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We need a shit load of segways right now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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