he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
