My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
