I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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